“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
You Might Also Like
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.