Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
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When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I pray every night that I never become religious…
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail