WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
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I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
That lamp looks PISSED.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!