You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
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Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.