There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
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Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
In space, no one can hear…
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon