Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
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The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
When you’re here for the treats.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
In case you needed to hear it:
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.