Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
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People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.