“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet