“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
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*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
remember
only for emergencies
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now