I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
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Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
But wait…
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt