Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
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If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
(more comics:
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Not messing around
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
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amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.