Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
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Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Strange
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”