I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
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*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Me, in DM rooms…
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle