I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
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Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
She was REALLY feeling it.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish