You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
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“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.