Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
You Might Also Like
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
The news in a nutshell.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume