Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
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For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
How it started How it’s going
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.