Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
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[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Lmao 🤣
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
*watches the world burn*
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Real House Wines.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.