[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
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I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
There’s never enough good news
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day