Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
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Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Uh oh…
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Ghost costume 😂
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves