Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?