When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
You Might Also Like
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
🤣🤣🤣
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.