scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
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Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
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