My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
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So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.