*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
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When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me