we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
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I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Breaking news:
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
same bro
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS