Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.