Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
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*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies