*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
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Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”