She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
You Might Also Like
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun