My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
You Might Also Like
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
This 4th of July, please remember…
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.