Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
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What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.