[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
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my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*