[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
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genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Beware of fowl play.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.