WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
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Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.