I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
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Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.