I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
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This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
this came to me in a vision
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.