Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
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Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones