Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
You Might Also Like
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.