5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
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This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?