Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
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I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
How high do the levels go?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.