Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
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1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
This fish is cracking me up
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.