Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.