“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!