I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
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I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
How to draw a duck
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…