I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
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me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
do horses think humans are hats
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?