In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
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Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.