On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
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My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
My flabber has been gasted.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
he chose this
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.