I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
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“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?