“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
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I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water